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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" |
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As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoebox on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you." Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked. "Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies." |
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says: Why the long face?
What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? Egoist: A person who is me-deep in conversation. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. The anthropological expedition ended up in ruins. Definition of a punster: a humorous anecdope. A,E,I,O, and U were found dead on a local street. It was determinied that they were victims of vowel play. Just between you and me, I think that gardeners are just a bunch of bed-wetters.
Q: What's another way to say "hangover?"
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A blonde driver is stopped by a blonde cop. The cop says "let me see your license." The blonde driver looks in her purse and doesn't see it. She says "what does it look like?" The cop says "it's kinda rectangle shaped and has your picture on it." The driver pulls out a mirror and gives it to the cop. The cop says "Ok, you can go, I didn't realize you were a cop!" |
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A man takes a dislike to the family cat, and one day decides to take the cat for a ride. He puts the cat out about 2 blocks from home but when he returns home, the cat is there ahead of him. The next day, he take the cat 4 blocks from home, but same thing happens -- the cat beats him home. This happens quite a few more times with the man going longer distances each time, and the cat always beats him home. Finally the man tries going one block this way, then one block in another direction, and keeps doing this for about an hour. Puts the cat out on the curb, and heads back home. Later that evening, his wife answers the phone. It's her husband. "Is the cat home?", he asks. "Yes, dear", she says. Husband says......Well put the #$%^&** cat on the phone then ..... I need directions!" |
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A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear." |
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